A Masochist's Fantasies

Locked away, I laid out all our broken pieces on the floor, all the things I had wanted but could not have before, I see them all around now and know I could not love you more. I remember every missing space that was within my heart, those lonely months we spent apart, recalling all those moments where I loved you from the start. Now that I’m looking back into those eyes, I scoop up all the pieces and call them mine, I drown out all anyone’s ever said, not letting their hateful words into my head. I refuse to let you leave, these walls protecting you and me, I won’t ever let you go, we were chained together long ago. Time one day will make my dreams come true. Always and forever in love with you.

“You don’t what it’s like,” she whispered.

“It’s slavery. You’re treated like an animal, I can’t understand it.”

“You don’t try to. Just open up your mind. Life is full of light and shadow…where one can bring their darkest fantasies to light is the gray in between. When you open up your mind, body and soul and give yourself to a person…one who can harness those beautiful human powers…our spirit..we become free. Our burdens, fears and doubts are on the edge of a razor…trust keeps us from being cut. As long as you shut your eyes and refuse to learn, I’m just a girl on my knees. To him, I’m a caged bird learning how to fly.”

Here I am knelt on my knees,
This ground feels closer to me.
Looking up at such desperate eyes,
Needed love more than I ever realized.
These words you call out to me,
Speak within these veins of blood I bleed.
To feel more than is allowed,
Love always makes me proud.

How did we get lost? How’d we lose our way?
Struggling to feel what we felt that day.
Wondering why we cry ourseleves to sleep,
Begging to each other, “don’t leave me.”

A smile I could never forget,
These kisses linger long after you left.
A shudder that chills me to my bones,
At your feet I feel at home.

A heavy heart will lighten up in time,
Keeping you inside this beating heart of mine.
Can’t forget the love we have made,
Growing stronger each time I whisper your name.

How’d we fall so hard? Completely missing the ground.
Picking up lost pieces we hid from being found.
Nothing like a game, it’s all too very real.
All you ever gave me is what I longed to feel.
Now I’m running fast from all those lies I made,
Wishing you’d forgive me for these prices I must pay.
Hoping in the end that love will rise once more,
I know you will love me as you did before.

Etched a heart into my skin, this blood that drips is sinned running down a body worn thin. Weary-eyed mascara lash, all these dashed dreams I can’t get back, hating my tainted past with every smear of charcoal black. Lustful lips they long to kiss, the lips of a man I’ve missed, the heartbeat I strung along, he loved me though I did him wrong.

Where do I go from here, these paths I walk all disappear, these footsteps never leave a trace, am I so easy to replace? Letters I’ve ripped apart, scared of words that come from the heart, worried love won’t find a way, I have always gone astray.

A troubled girl and lonely heart, all those scars have left their marks, upon my lips I whisper pain, my body knows too well his name.

“Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.” -Pauline Réage

Accept my gesture, take my hand,
I’ll reveal what you don’t understand.
In all your fancy and my desired feats,
It’s your heart that beats for me.
Dark and dangerous it may appear,
Open up to me as I stand near.
I promise some pain but also some pleasure,
Neither of which can be measured.
Like the love in which we are bound,
I am the King, you the Crown.

Pain, to me, is that fine line between temporary thrill and nauseating madness. Too little, it barely affects you. Too much, and it will send you over the edge. My favorite kind of pain is the lingering electricity in the veins. The burning and cooling sensation, the sweats and shivers, the scream and moan, the stop and keep going. That heightened, temporary high that sparks your adrenaline but drains you at the same time. What affliction your body feels causes a stillness in the mind, and for those few seconds you feel completely alive.

A crack of the whip her eyes widened their gaze,
Whispers into her ear, “Darling don’t be afraid.”
Hot skin and sweat come to fuze,
How patient and bearing this body to use.
Shivers strike into her core,
Pain is pleasure, she craves for more.
Throat swelling, unable to speak,
“My little slut, have you reached your peak?”
Wide-flared nostrils as silence tries to speak,
Uttering sounds achingly weak.
Then comes the paddle upon porcelain skin,
“Take it for me baby,” Master says with a grin.

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Thank you. I’m happy you enjoy what gives life to me.